How Can We Have Better Conflict?

This past weekend I attended an event put on by Braver Angels of North Olympic Peninsula, the local chapter of a national organization focused at dismantling polarizing politics through structured discussions. While they often focus on national issues divided along political party lines, I was interested in how the framework might be applied to have better discussions around local issues dividing our community – the topic on-hand also grabbed my attention: “Building the Future We Want”.

In my small group of six we took turns sharing our responses to various question prompts. On my turn I took up, “What specific skill or ability will people need to prioritize in order to live and work well together in the future?”, to which I replied: “Being better at having conflict, we’ve forgotten how to disagree gracefully”. Specifically, we need more low-stake conflict with people we like. We need more practice disagreeing with others that doesn’t result in canceling them from our life. Healthy conflict can reveal issues, surface different perspectives, and help groups make better decisions, but only if we can all still get along when they are over – even if we don’t agree with the outcome. 

This all started for me a few months prior while having coffee with a friend and long time HSN supporter.  We were catching up on housing drama – I mean important housing issues — including the status of Port Townsend Comprehensive plan appeal, when I brought up the fact that a friend of theirs was a known supporter of the effort. (For those that missed it, HSN does not support the appeal for reasons stated back in our April Newsletter). Without even the slightest hint of irritation they responded, “I know, we’re good friends”. It took a while to get over the lack of outrage, but eventually I realized how amazing my friend was. They had developed the ability to fundamentally disagree with someone and not have it sour their relationship. It really made me reconsider judgements I was holding based on narrow experiences and how harboring that view may actually be impeding my work more than helping it. 

This to me highlights the importance and benefit of surrounding ourselves with a greater diversity of people and actively combating our in-grouping and out-grouping mentality. June’s Housing Happy Hour offers a great opportunity to put this into practice, where we tackle one of our most dynamic topics yet: “Climate and Housing”. I encourage you to join us in discussing this complex topic which will surely have many opportunities to kindly disagree.